Meetings

I'm running through the double doors at work, looking at my watch, thinking to myself as I sprit through the hallways "Not again, not this time" as I reach my destination, room 104. I stop, get my breath then swallow, the build-up of salver in my mouth, I reach for the cold silver door handle, turn it an step through. My stomach drops everyone is already there, waiting around a table. One disapproving face looking at me. I'm late for another meeting.

I find a seat and sit down, my coworkers do their best to ignore me, as this is a regular occurrence. The people I like at work smile, as to say without words "You tried". But in all honesty, I didn't. It was in my calendar, my computer notified me. I just ignored it because the meetings are boring. Why do I get paid to prioritised these? How could sitting around a table listening to corporate acronyms, and lectures about productivity be more productive or fun than photographing a beautiful model for a jewellery campaign that's sitting waiting in my studio?

Everyone thinks their job is important, that their issues and problems are the most important. That's why I'm always pulled into meetings. And that is also the reason that I don't care, because my work, is important to me. and meetings aren't work. It's harsh but its what I believe. I put my work first. And this is exactly why I'm late, and that is exactly why the person organising the meeting is secretly pissed off at me as I sift my seat forward. As the meeting holder rambles on about, what they have done and are going to do. All I can think about are these words coming out of his mouth are like saying he's eaten his lunch and now he's going to take a shit in the future. He keeps talking and talking, about things unrelated and relevant to me. I think to myself why am I here. This is the perfect time to pull out my phone and do some life admin. Like I said waste of fucken time. Before I know it the meeting is over, nothing is accomplished and everyone is bored, but one person's ego is lifted.

As I'm walking back to my studio space I think to myself fuck meetings, fuck paying attention to calendars, fuck plans. Live in the moment. You don't need to worry about being late, if your important, they'll wait. Be like water flowing, and adapting to your surrounds in the moment. Plans are just written down future speculations. They are not real or guaranteed. No one can predict the future. So why plan for it. As I walk through the double doors of my studio where the model, stylist, makeup artist and director are, I say sorry, as everyone is waiting for me. And continue doing my job. Unlike the meeting, where it started without me, ergo I wasn't needed in it.

After the photoshoot is over, everyone disperses, I do a little bit more work and head home. Hannah is waiting for me. The same look I get as if I'm late for a meeting is on her face. My mind is a blank, I have to instantly think, what have I done wrong, or forgotten. But my mind is a blank. As I stand in the doorway entrance to our home, she says something about an event. I'd forgotten, she says I've reminded you four times over the past month, she's upset, which in turn makes me upset. We are both just standing there. As she says, I don't want to keep doing this for the rest of my life. These words hit deep, I feel like we are about to break up. That she's given up on me. That I'm a zen loser without a care in the world, and she wants someone who cares and that she can rely on. I try to keep myself together, but I'm voice wains, and tears roll down my face, I'll try better. She helps me understand that I can't treat her plans like I treat meetings. I spring into action. I run upstairs and turn on my computer. I start reading productive articles and what apps and systems are effective. After reading all these articles I realise that no app will change me, I have to do this myself. I've accomplished every single New Years resolution I've ever had, why can't remembering a date be easy. Then I realise that I have an auditory deficit disorder. But I can't use this as an excuse. I download every single google app that sinks together, Calander, Reminders & Sticks. I go to work, putting every single appointment, task, goal and event in. I tell Hannah everything that I've done, and that I'll do better. Because I mean it, she is my world. I'd do anything to make her happy, and in turn, I realise this will make me a better person.

The next day I walk into work and sit down, I pull out my phone because hell it's early and who doesn't procrastinate just a little while they kill time. As I'm scrolling through endless feeds of memes and crap, I hear someone at the door, I quickly put my phone down to avoid looking lazy. that disapproving face from yesterday is walking through the door and looks at me. That same sinking feeling washes over me. Like a kid being told off. First I felt like I was nearly going to lose my partner, now I'm going to lose my job. I'm ready for the telling off of my life for being late yesterday, but not losing my job. The person takes their time sitting down, they are about to say something about me. I brace myself emotionally for the bad news. He looks deep into my soul and with an eerie smile announces "Your early to this meeting today?"